Naked Courage
Does my relationship have an expiration date?
What if we went into a relationship with an end date? Would you fully commit to the relationship for the time you agreed to? Would you give it your all? What would you negotiate for? What agreements would you create?
The tough part is, most of us do not enter into a relationship negotiating agreements, upfront about expectations and how long we will stick it out. What if instead of until death do you part it was until June 25 2016?
I have a somewhat checkered past with marriage and relationships. Thinking back to the beginning of those relationships, would it have been easier upfront to know when the end was coming? Know about all the expectations, upfront? Would the exit have been more graceful, less heartbreak, less dramatic? Would knowing there is an end date make a difference? Would it make a difference for you?
I know there are people who make agreements to be married for specific gains. I am not talking about green cards and mail order brides. Although, it seems like there are more agreements made in an contractual arranged marriage then any of us think about in a romantic relationship. Basically the concept of marriage was created out of necessity to preserve bloodlines and property; a legal binding contract of mutual benefit to parties, families, tribes.
Marriage is a contract, most of us do not approach relationships as a set of agreements, spoken and unspoken. We plunge into relationships, marriages full steam ahead, death do us part.
Maybe I am a little cynical, jaded but in my relationship, I keep an agreements book. Any agreement my husband and I have made is written down, signed and dated. I think what keeps a relationship or marriage from expiring is to keep the agreements current. Renegotiate those agreements. What is working and what is not working? What are you expectations? Are they realizable? Realistic? I know I am not the same woman as I was last year, let alone 4 or 5 years ago. My husband is not the same person either. Our priorities have changed our maturity and what we both want has changed.
We have had to sit down with our marriage vows and a dictionary to get through some tough stuff, but with clarity comes sobriety and the ability to make choices.
How are you extending your relationship shelf life? Is your relationship getting ready to spoil? Getting a little stale and moldy? I would love to hear some feedback about how you are negotiating. I am happy to share my thoughts and opinions, just comment below.
Amara Charles
Great topic, nicely written. I talk about agreements as living, breathing changing entities in my book Sexual Agreements. I think of what you call “expiration dates” a bit differently however. What if, going into a relationship, we gave ourselves three years, which is nothing! to get it right. What if we knew going in that we actually only have a certain amount of time before the relationship was up for renewal? How about 3 Year Renewal Licenses? What if, at the end of 3 years, you have a mutual agreement that you could renew the relationship, or part ways?
Now, lets say you have children and financial agreements. Knowing you have a contract to be together for three years, how would this affect children, homes and money? Now, here’s the big one, How would having a time limit effect sex?
Amara Charles
Author I Speaker I Sex and Intimacy
p.s. I’d like to post this conversation on my new blog at http://www.amaracharles.com. May I?
Leia Gamache
Nice topic and feedback.
I also teach about relationships and agreements for a living and I think it is important to look at the natural cycles of a relationship when we talk about endings.
In our desire to co-create a life together, sometimes we don’t recognize our completions. Such is the nature of “empty nest syndrome”, the 7-year itch, etc. These are signs that a couple is ready to birth something new.
Really, many people I see are afraid to acknowledge completions because it puts us into an unknown space. “What now?” For some, It is far easier to coast with something familiar at the expense of our emotional and sexual intimacy.
In fact, many people are often unable to see how magnificent they really are and how capable they are of creating a life of pleasure inside each new cycle.
The best relationships…the ones that stand the test of time with “in-to-me-see” intact…include a shared desire to grow and create new things together…inside or outside of a traditional arrangement. What seems to underlie these “soul connections” is the courage to bend in the winds of change.
Sometimes, we may need to let go of the past and redefine why we are together. We may, in some situations, even need to change the nature of the relationship to accommodate the need to go in a different direction… or we stop growing!
If we are able to see our way past the traditional terminology, in those cases, we are still in a relationship that effectively has no expiry date and remains deep and strong in many ways we often overlook.
Leia Gamache
Personal & Professional Coach
Relationships / Career / Wellness
JoreJj Z. Elprehzleinn
I love this topic. I often enter relationships of all kinds receiving a certain sense of what it is about in terms of potential and dynamics. However I have never even conceived of entering with the ending in mind. That is so wise, and so brilliant and I am very happy to read this blog post it has changed my entire life in an instant. Thank-you. Relationships are the most important of all there is in life and this is just excellent!